Tempting, not any? … Vincent Gallo. Photograph: David Heerde/Rex Features
We may only be four days into the new year, but resolutions are already being assayed. If you planned to accord. up smoking, you may have already buckled. If you planned to join a gym, you may have been lay off by the agency of totally the perspire and mirrors. But if you planned to get pregnant with the baby of a skinny, independent cinema darling with a ratty-looking whiskers, you’re in luck. Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm online. For $1m.
It whole sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? You simply log on to vgmerchandise.com, fork out $1m and in return you get the chance to become the mother of a child who – if it follows in its father’s footsteps – will increase up to form individual bad bands, star in a number of films that nobody really watches and direct films that nobody in truth likes. Imagine the pride that will swell up in your heart as you sit little Jimmy or little Susan down to watch the blowjob scene from The Brown Bunny.
There are caveats of course and, from that time this is Vincent Gallo, it’s hard to tell if they are genuine or an attempt at tedious, deliberately provoking, “betcha didn’t think I’d say that” shtick. As the website states: “Mr Gallo maintains the right to waste sale of his seed to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr Gallo does not want to be participation of that type of integration.”
It’s not all bad news, though – if you’re naturally blonde or the relative of a mid-century German soldier, Gallo is kind enough to offer you a $50,000 discount. And it helps if you’re Jewish, too – considering a “connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance film festival or an Oscar”. Very droll. Or slightly bitter and heavy-handed. The jury’s out.
But which if you don’t desire to spend a million dollars to have Vincent Gallo’s baby? What grant that you simply want him to fulfill your deepest fantasy? Well, with regard to the knock-down price of $50,000, you have power to do exactly that. And this time there are no such limitations. You can do whatever you lust after. Personally, I think it’upshot be quite nice to be suited him down and spend an decline of day forcing him to read a book in succession how to make films that aren’t terrible but, as a male, I’m not the market he’s pitching to.
Even if you are among the, frankly, short-sighted minority who wouldn’t want to shell out an inordinate amount of specie to spend some intimate time through the star of Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby, you still have a uncertainty to own a piece of Gallo. For $2,000 you can have a tatty bit of cloth with some small flowers drawn on it; $1,500 buys you a photograph of Gallo standing in a bowling alley; and $150 buys you a T-shirt with the words Vincent Gallo written across the front in marker pen. The point is that, even in these times of severe recession, you have power to’t not afford to have more Vincent Gallo in your life.
Or, you know, you could just get Mr Belding from Saved By the Bell to phone you up since $20 in place. That’s in likelihood just as good.
