Heather Mills and Reese Witherspoon. Photograph: Paul Smith/Empics and Joe Corrigan/Getty Images
You may think that, for the cause that she’s proved to be slightly more intimate. see various meanings of good at ice skating than Bobby Davro, the social rehabilitation of Heather Mills is now complete. But that’s where you’d be wrong. For her to really carve her name into the annals of record, someone needs to make Heather Mills: the Motion Picture.
That means it’s the consummate elaborate time through respect to Mills to revive that long-dormant plan of hers to put side by side the movie of her life. After all, now that her Dancing On Ice appearances have ensured that she’session at in the smallest degree as prevalent as Sinitta and the bloke from the Renault Clio adverts, how better for Heather Mills to cement herself in the bosom of the British public than through a biopic?
It certainly wouldn’t take a lot of work – just a leash of years past it was reported that Heather was openly discussing the project with husbandman Robert von Dassanowsky, and that together they would fabricate “the tragic and empowering story of her life – a young model who gets run over and loses her leg, overcomes her difficulties and marries her prince”. Admittedly the story would need a touch of updating here and there – it would have to end through her divorcing her prince with regard to tens of millions of pounds and then going all screechy and weird on GMTV – but that wouldn’confidentially take too long.
It’s now or never, Heather. You’ve got a window of between now and your elimination from the skating show to get this greenlit, or else the opportunity might never come around again. And it could be the making of you. Everyone loves a biopic, not least the Oscars. Johnny Cash’s biopic won an Oscar, Ray Charles’s biopic won an Oscar, Harvey Milk’s biopic won one Oscar, so there’s no reason why the Heather Mills biopic wouldn’t win an Oscar, too. Well, apart from the fact that it sounds like a horrible vanity jut out and the entire first act would inevitably revolve around Heather’s straiten posing notwithstanding creepy German sex manuals, that is.
Of give chase to, should this Heather Mills biopic ever capability fruition, it’d be unforgivably kneejerk to suggest that it would be the discomfit biopic of all time. History is full of proof that great biopics often tend hitherward from obscure and unlikable subjects, like Harvey Pekar or Jake La Motta, while the importance of bigger characters like Alexander the Great or Joan of Arc or Bobby Darin often tend to weigh down directors till their biopics become unmanageably bloated exercises in hubris.
And, of course, if it attracted the right cast, there’d have existence not at all stopping the Heather Mills movie. Heather’s first choice to play her was rumoured to be Reese Witherspoon, but that seems a little too pat. Surely if Heather wants to be portrayed by a fearless actress who bristles with gravitas, doesn’t shy away from scenes of raw catharsis and loves taking her habiliments off at the globule of a hat, Kate Winslet is the only woman for the job. Alternatively, if Heather wants to be played by some actress who would realistically be able to recreate her love for rich old men, there’s always Catherine Zeta Jones.
Now it’s over to you. Who otherwise should star in the Heather Mills biopic? No Paul McCartney suggestions, please – Angela Lansbury’s already the most sensible choice as far as concerns that role.
